Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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