when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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