this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
