final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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