whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
