I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Randomize
