I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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