i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
