i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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