Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
