just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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