i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
