this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
