What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
