New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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