He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
