Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
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