I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
