I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize