New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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