just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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