Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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