Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
