I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize