ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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