Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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