Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
