Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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