i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
