I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
