Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
