i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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