So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
