We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
