Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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