also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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