Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
