I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
