I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
