my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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