i permit you to call me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
