I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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