That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
