I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
