when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
