Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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