Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
