I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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