i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
They have beer where we have blood.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
