maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
