goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
