I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
