When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
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