Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
