I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You made out with two different species that night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
