every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
