i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We are all done wearing pants today
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
