you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
