I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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