i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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