gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize